Doubt and Jealousy, Chapter 28

Doubt and Jealousy

Sleep wasn't in store for me that night. I was shocked by myself and what I had done. In my mind’s eye, I could see the memories played back, again and again, about Snape being so close to me. What had happened there?

I hadn't really done this, right? I mean, did I actually accept money from a man with whom I had sex with in a freely accessible place! And it still gets worse! The most brutal fact of the story was that the man was my professor and he had no idea who he had fucked with so little restraint! Did I have a talent for dragging myself into stupid situations, or what? The answer to that question is yes. Of course, now I’m worrying; wouldn't Snape have recognized me, since my facial features weren’t changed at all? But then I remembered that I also had a hefty amount of makeup on my face. This reassured me. When I became Minna, I always had heavily accentuated eyes with a lot of mascara and dared to put on a deep red lipstick. Actually, it wasn't that surprising that he thought I was part of the oldest profession in the world.

Also, the thought struck me that almost no one recognized the Dumbledore brothers as what they were: close relatives. Except if you were like me and targeted them with this knowledge. And I was sure that though the professor had wondered much about who or what I was, Minna couldn't be connected to Hermione. Then I realised again that I had submitted to his demand for a quickie, but how could I have gotten out of this thing differently without him turning into a rabid dog, picking up my track and hunting me?! For Snape was a distrustful son of a bitch, who wouldn't give up quickly when he smelled a rat. So I had given him what he wanted instead.

How he had pushed me against the wall... Heaven... I was writhing in my bed. What was bothering me that much? What was the cause? I tried to analyse that, even so I thought I was close to the crux of the matter and I insisted on absolute honesty towards myself. I wouldn't lie to myself.

The sex shocked me because it was only about his satisfaction, so he had taken me without considering my own. That I had gotten an orgasm too wasn't due to his efforts to get me one, oh no, if he would've come before me, he would've ended it, cold as ice. His gestures and deeds in the alley had only been there to satisfy himself. That was probably the life and sex of a prostitute, but I wasn't used to it because I wasn't an easy girl, damn it! After all, Cedric, Victor, and Sirius had done everything they could that I would have the same pleasure as they did. But Snape, when I recalled it again, had just stimulated my breasts for his own pleasure, and when he fucked me with his finger, he had done this only to ensure enough moisture. Whether I had felt great pleasure or not had been secondary - after all, he’d paid for it.

The fact that I had been given an orgasm by him because of my perverse excitement and my tainted imagination might have puzzled even him, which is why I was quite certain that I was the most to blame for his request to owl me. On the other hand, I was glad that only that had happened. In the spheres I was moving in at the moment, getting money for sex was truly not the worst. I could have been raped at any time, no one would've cared. My wallowing in my self-pity was a great luxury because in principle nothing bad had happened. So why have a whinge? After all, he had paid for it. Argh, that seemed to bother me the most. Weird, isn't it?

Oh, I had to come to terms with myself quickly, because I would have to face Sirius soon, and he would surely want to know what the Twins and I had done last night. My goddess, all of us had done somebody, my damn cynicism was making another appearance. I buried my face in my pillow, groaning, because I couldn't and I still wouldn't believe it.
There was a slight throbbing behind my temples. Mental note to myself: a hangover cure should be added to my assortment of stocked potions. One should be prepared for any situation because the booze paid for by Snape gave me a wicked hangover. Nice that I could already plan again, especially taking into account my inner turmoil, even if it was only a passing thought of what I would brew next in my laboratory. When I thought about it, I should be really proud of myself that I had been able to withstand the mental attacks.

Yes, I must have made amazing progress at Occlumency if I was able to resist a man of such high caliber as Snape. I smiled happily into my pillow. Oh yes, I'd have deserved an Outstanding for that. Positive thinking was the motto now. The evening hadn't been that bad, just think about the Twins, who now knew with absolute certainty that they were made for each other and were absolutely gay - there wasn't a more gay couple anywhere else! Maybe they experienced a sexual adventure or two every now and then with the opposite sex, but never without the other. I was very happy about it because according to my humble opinion, they belonged together. Every third or fourth person would have disturbed this duality. They were clever inventors, who mutually motivated and challenged each other in a way no outsider would be able to match. These two were a dynamic entity.

At the same time, a slight lethargy encompassed me due these thoughts, because I felt like I would never be able to have a partner who could and should really know everything about me. I was alone. Pull yourself together Hermione, you always liked to be alone, you have decided early in your life not to tell anyone everything. A decision once made shouldn't be mourned or even doubted. To change something about this is no longer possible anyway. I turned around again, groaning restlessly. Ow, that hurt! My abdomen felt terribly sore, but I wouldn't take a potion, I didn't want to embarrass myself that way.

I didn't want to think about the next time I was going to be confronted with Snape. I wanted to take things as they came, because, I mean, just because his cock was inside me, didn't mean that something had changed between us. And Sirius, I wanted to remain close to the truth and would try to omit as much as I could, but if the professor had already failed against my mental wall, I would be able to resist Sirius, too. So, enough mourning about my choices. I still had a run to deal with, but in wise foresight, I wanted to have a shower first today. After my jog I could still hop under the shower again. I didn't want to chance that the "dog" would smell something he shouldn't smell. The danger was too great for me. Later, in the kitchen, I clung to my cup like it was vital medicine. God, oh God, it hurt down below. Why did these two men have to be so well equipped? That's why I couldn't think of anything else, whilst there was a dull throbbing inside me all of the time. Sirius and I had already jogged our rounds.

He had expected me downstairs as usual. This had somehow become a nice, daily ritual. Then we met each other again in the kitchen again, while the others came walking in bit by bit. Surprisingly, everyone seemed well rested today after yesterday’s sudden illness. The only ones which didn't appear in the kitchen well rested and sporting a headache were the Twins, which amused me immensely. The night had left their mark on them as well. But I couldn't help them yet, I would have to brew the potion first. So I made myself disappear relatively quickly and hid. I read Rita Skeeters exposé on a woman named Dolores Umbridge, which I found interesting, yet disturbing. She was the first undersecretary of minister Fudge! She also had to answer for the anti-werewolf legislation from two years ago, which made it almost impossible for Remus to find a new job after leaving Hogwarts. What was to be expected of this woman couldn't be good, considering the special views that this woman represented against any "mixed race", and I had the rough guess that this included all the non-pure wizards.

One shouldn't be take her on openly, and I hadn't planned to do so. People like her always had a skeleton in their closet. You just needed enough patience and perseverance, ready to look for those secrets and soon you would have the perfect material to blackmail a person and I was predestined for this task.
I looked up and saw Sirius' grave, gray eyes. This time I hadn't heard him. He must have crept up on me quietly. Oops, he was in a good mood and he didn't even know that I had prostituted myself - and to top it off, to his nemesis, Snape, I thought spitefully and asked myself now what was waiting for me, because he really didn't look friendly. I looked at him hard and swallowed. Meanwhile he sat down with emphasised composure but a wave of subliminal anger seemed to have entered the room with him.

"What was all that about, yesterday?", he asked with a stern tone and looked quite rigid. Oh, just what I needed after last night, a self-righteous avenging angel, which defended the poor guinea pigs that the others had been for us. Great, really great!

"Nothing bad," I spoke softly while innocently fluttering my eyelashes, deciding to use my feminine attributes to my advantage. His eyes darkened even more if this was possible and reminded of slate. Gulp! What now?

"Again, Hermione, I'm neither an idiot, nor a child. Where did you disappear to with the Twins yesterday in the middle of the night and believe me, I know you came back very late. All the others lay deadly sick in their beds and if I have to remind you, you three weren't feeling that well either. What games are you playing?"
An angry Sirius could leave a lasting impression, how he roared around, his face slightly distorted in anger. Good that I always sound proofed the room with a spell, otherwise we would've had drawn a crowd by now.

"What do you want to imply here?" I asked pointedly calmly, closed the file, put it carefully on the table and sat upright.

"Firstly, you gave something to Harry, Ron and Ginny, didn't you?" His voice sounded hard and cold.

"Yes, we have!" I admitted, because I wouldn't get far with a lie here, only he freaked out even more, his body trembled with suspense. His eyes shot angry little lightning bolts in my direction, which struck. By now nothing kept him on the couch, he jumped up abruptly. At this moment he had an amazing resemblance to his animagus form. He darted towards me, aggressively resting his hands on the armrests of the chair to the left and right of me, holding me captive. Then he bent down to me threateningly, and I followed his movement, instinctively leaning back more and more into the chair and looking at him with great, but not frightened eyes, calculating and waiting.

"How. Dare. You? Making them sick, that's no joke!", he hissed furiously. He looked really wild. Mhmhmhm, delicious! It made him very attractive and he was bursting with life. I was absolutely crazy, but I would have loved to lick my lips full of pleasant anticipation. Somehow I always found Sirius appealing when he became temperamental.

"Calm down Sirius, haven't you always said I'm the smartest witch you know? Where is your trust? The Twins and I would never hurt the others, I swear!" I explained from my unrelaxed, captive position half buried under him.

"Oh, and you think that makes it better? What was that about? What reason did you have to sneak out of the house and paralyze everyone. That was the cause wasn't it? Why Hermione, what was that about?", he cried, still agitated to the extreme and very angry. Wow, the man was full of spirits. "And don't say now you can't tell me! It's dangerous out there!" He stared at me angrily.

"I can't, sorry, it’s the Twins business!", I defended myself apologetically, but righteous anger against Sirius didn't want to rise in me, I had certainly done everything he might imply. For an example having sex with Snape, if he knew that, he would most likely be hopping mad.

He growled exasperation. "Again, what did you do with the twins out there?" Did he sound jealous? Or still narked because of our action to knock out the others? I didn't know at that moment!

"Are you jealous?", I tried it bravely and ventured a guess. Here he grabbed me roughly by my shoulders, his fingers poking painfully into my skin, and shook me vigorously. "I'm not a stupid boy, with whom you can play so easily, Hermione. I don't accept that you make a fool out of me!" He yelled angrily. So he was jealous after all, of the Twins, oh how sweet, that was so sweet, but also so wrong. But I had to counteract it at once. I belonged only to myself and to the one who paid the most. Nonsense, my sick humor always came through at the worst times. I just belonged to myself, no one was allowed to presume to own me and above all he shouldn't feel like this for me! The depth of his feelings was too much, definitely too much.

"Sirius, calm down. Don't behave that way. You're not a stupid boy, even if you're acting like one at the moment, and currently you make a fool out of yourself ," I told him icely, looking at him coldly.

"Oh, don’t get smart with me. Do I come too close to the truth?", he hissed venomously, still holding me painfully tight.

"Hell, no, what do you think of me? I can promise you, no even swear, there is nothing going on between me and the Twins, if that's what is driving you!" I snarled, getting mad at him now after all. Did I ever say I hated to justify myself?

"Well… And I'm supposed to believe you about the Twins? I think I hear an undertone here ... if not the twins, then somebody else.” he emphasized, “I won't let you fool me." he growled furiously, inching his face towards her, causing his hair to fall into his face, giving him a wild look.

"Argh, I don't owe you anything!" I cried angrily, for he had gone too far, way too far. "That's what you think!" he yelled viciously, sensing that his legitimate doubts might be confirmed.

Suddenly he put his right hand on my chest, pushing me rudely into the chair, and put his left hand provocatively over my pubic bone, before forcing himself between my legs, roughly pushing them apart with his knees and grabbing them through the fabric of my dress.

"As long as you do it with me, this belongs to me, understood?", he growled darkly, then he moved his hand firmly back and forth. I stared at him completely perplexed. This was Sirius! Oh man, as crazy as he looked now, he must never know about Snape.

"Those are the rules! No-one else, understood?", he continued menacingly. Well, this announcement comes too late, my dear, but you will never know. I thought inwardly, obviously I would never be stupid enough to ever tell him.

"Sirius, take your paws from me,” I growled as I shoved his hands off of me. “If you continue like this, you’ll be doing it on your own in the near future.” I promised. “I'm not afraid of you. For me there will never be rules. What is wrong with you?” I asked in disbelief. “What did I do, for you react like this, how can you doubt me like that?" I was hurt. What he was saying hurt, how could he even say such things, he was clearly going too far, considering that I had made it clear that there would never be anything other than sex between us. I didn’t want to lie and assure him that I won't have sex with other people, even I’m not that duplicitous, but what should I do? Once again I didn’t have any other choice. By now my morality had become very flexible, comparable to that of a rubber band.

"Whatever ..." he released me angrily, thank the Goddess, and pushed himself off, pacing up and down the room, fuming. I pulled myself back up from the depth of the chair into a sitting position.

"So, after you three sneaked out, what did you do... if not fuck each other?" He hissed almost menacingly and looked at me questioningly with a suffering expression, but still with suppressed aggression.

"Sirius please, don't you think if I wanted to fuck the two of them that I couldn't have done that right here?" I challenged him, deadly serious, crossing my arms over of my chest. Which earned me a look of mixed horror and anger from him. What, that was only the truth! If I wanted to, I could have slept with them right here in the house!

"Y ... you're not serious, you …” he trailed off in disbelief. “So you’re telling me that if there is someone else you'd like to have sex with, you would do it right under my nose?" His face showed complete astonishment as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Uh, yes ..." I replied, suddenly hesitant.

“I wouldn't have thought that even you were capable of something like that," he said gravely, looking concerned. Well, until last night I wouldn't have thought I was capable of being a whore myself, but life was full of surprises, I added in my head. My emotions remained sparsely, so I kept silent and watched as he continued to walk up and down agitatedly.

"Okay. Does this mean that you've actually sneaked out for something else?" ,he asked, once again feeling hopeful. I nodded to him without a word.

"Yes, but if you want to know anything you should ask Fred and George, if they tell you, then fine, but if they don’t, then that’s the end of it," I told him I wouldn't say anything.

"In spite of your shocking revelations... I'll believe you haven't slept with the twins. I will be getting the rest of this out of them, rest assured." he promised, but to my ears it sounded more like a warning or a threat, and suddenly I was reminded that this was a former Marauder with a very fickle temper and that despite his kind nature, he was not to be messed with.

"You do what you have to, just be sure to remember that whatever you and I are, I’m not an object of your possession. I do not belong to you!" I reminded him, because his possessiveness didn't suit me at all.

"Oh, so you wouldn't mind if I were to sleep with another woman?" ,he tried to provoke me, watching me carefully.

"Mhmh, I haven't thought about that.", I admitted thoughtfully, tilting my head to the side and giving the matter further thought, trying to imagine such a scenario.

"You can’t seriously mean that, can you?" He protested incredulously, his exclamation interrupting my train of thought, before he collapsed in a defeated heap on the couch.

"Oh please Sirius, you know we won't marry," I replied briefly, choosing rationality over emotion. I had the feeling I needed to get some distance between us. That way Sirius wouldn't get the wrong idea.

"Oh, of course not, I know that, I just can’t believe you could be like that.” he played down the issue. “But how could you dare to mistreat Harry like that?" There was already anger glittering in his eyes again.

"You can go to the Twins for this as well if you’d like, it's their products they've tested, Skiving Snackbox. As a Marauder, you must see the genius behind it. I can promise you Harry won't have to worry about it the next time." I explained nastily and didn't let him blame me.

"What ...?" He asked, stunned.

"Go to Fred and George, they’re in their room.” I repeated slowly. “Now, I think we cleared that up, so I must be on my way soon." I said coldly, reaching for the file on the table.

"That's it? You just shrug it off?" ,he enquired incredulously.

"Yes, what am I supposed to do instead? We have made our points of view clear," I replied, shrugging.

"What is that supposed to mean?", he continued asking, raising his arms desperately.

"Well, if there is no more problems, I would suggest everything remains as before: we continue to fuck… or do you not want it anymore?" I provoked him, grinning.

"Okay... of course... but..." he stammered slightly, not seeming to have understood everything yet.

"Well then, until tonight, as always," I said good-bye nonchalantly, smiling at him gently and confidently. When the door closed behind him, I collapsed. Ugh, an angry, narked Sirius was like a tornado. Damn, unfortunately he wasn't stupid. He had guessed and sensed a lot, and he hadn't imagined that I had been with someone else yesterday. I groaned and ran my hands over my tired face. At least I didn't have to worry about my acting skills. I had played the quiet yet confident persona very convincingly, though his possessive manner had taken me by surprise. The way he had got that possessiveness across by getting physical... I hadn't judged him to be so vulgar. I shuddered, as if shaking off dirt, and then I got myself ready, because I couldn’t alter this situation in any way; only make the best of it.

After the training, a cheerful Sirius came to meet me, blowing a daring kiss on my lips well hidden in the hallway, and begging me for forgiveness with his intense doggy eyes. I don't know what the two red devils told him, but it seemed to have fundamentally changed Sirius’ attitude, for he was as tame as a puppy and very attentive. I quickly got the information from them after dinner. They told me that an angry Sirius had swept into their room and asked them brutally straightforward if they were sleeping with me. At first they were perplexed, thinking that it wasn't Sirius’ business; their eyes had almost fallen out of their heads because of his aggressive manner since yesterday night they had essentially fucked with me - or in other words, my body.

After they had recognized with their quick perception skills that Sirius was, for some reason, totally jealous and that he was apparently my current lover - well, considering Sirius’ behaviour, it wasn’t rocket science - they realized that they couldn't tell him everything, in any case, and so they had woven a half-true story. So they had decided, after Sirius had sworn to silence, to inaugurate him into their secret and told him the truth about themselves and what I had arranged for them yesterday. They had truly told him that they had been a couple for years, to be more exact since the end of my fourth year, and consequently gay, but that they had wanted to test whether one of them was perhaps interested in women as well. Since they had only ever had sex with each other, they wanted to broaden their horizons, but only together. George had started his first attempts at Hogwarts with women, but he had never taken the final step; instead he had often switched girls from house to house; but Fred had never even tried to approach a female. Fred had been fixed on men from the beginning, and he had been much more outspoken about it as his brother.

And now they had told Sirius everything. They hadn't concealed the fact that I had gotten them a prostitute who had had fun with them yesterday, but they had carefully concealed that this woman had become my look alike, and they had said nothing about my whereabouts.

"You are fucking Sirius. Man, I can't believe it. You're always good for a surprise... it really caught me off guard. Since when?", they bluntly asked me and seemed totally cheerful and jittery.

"A few days after I arrived here," I replied pointedly serenely.

"Wow, I told you, you're fucking amazing. Firstly, you're really fast and second, he's hot!" The Twins would know which guy was hot and which was not and thus Fred licked his lips luxuriously.

"Is he as … hmm .. delicious ... is he as well... equipped as I think he is?" He asked eagerly and with little tact. Sure enough this question came from Fred.

"Oh, you two are devils, alright, but yes, he fulfills all conditions and no, he isn't gay and if you wish to have a threesome with a man after all that, I'll curse you!" I threatened, acting mad, and grinned widely at them.

"Hey, don't be like that, one has to be allowed still to envy you your bed bunny," Fred said indignantly. "And get your mind out of the gutter, I won't let a second man in my bed!", he explained, piqued, holding up the fore- and index fingers of his right hand as in an oath.

"Eh, what do you think? Me neither. This carrot head is man enough for me!" George joked meanly and grinned boldly. The two were a splendid couple.

"I congratulate you on the decision. I find him better than Krum," George attested me and Fred nodded agreeably. So I left them soon, as Sirius was waiting for me. The reconciliation Sirius awarded me was wonderful, gentle, tender, and he concentrated on me very much. I want to note here that I would have given him my deepest thanks because my still heavily exhausted femininity wouldn't have been able to tolerate a less tender "mating", but it also reminded me that he actually didn't need to apologize for anything, but he would never come to know that. The following time flew by.

I got along well with the books, the weapon training became harder, but I always improved. The potions and ointments all succeeded as well, the work couldn't have run better. My days were filled with my tasks and projects, which ran to my full satisfaction. Even time with Sirius was great again. We had sex every night. I think for many years Sirius hadn't been as good-tempered as he was at this time. I spent some nice hours with Harry, Ron and Ginny too, playing and chatting together. I didn't know what Harry was doing different, but where I had felt so out of place before, he always succeeded in integrating me and created a niche for me where I felt comfortable.

But soon the holidays would be over.